Therapy Falls On Konoha Literally
by FaithsWings
Summary: Faith is a therapist. Sadie is her receptionist. Together they came to the Naruto world, with hopes of giving therapy and world domination. But it seems that they have messed up time, and only they can fix it. But what happens when they choose not to?
1. Session 1 Sasuke

A/N- Okay, well, I was bored, wanted to do something, so here you go. Lot's of people have things like this. So I decided to make my own! Yeah! This'll be FUN! (By the way, I'm Faith. And Sadie is back.)

** SESSION 1**

Sasuke walked up to the small, cozy little building that was in front of him. It was where his new therapist was. YES, there is a therapist place in Konoha, so don't ask. It fell from the sky. Last night. While everyone slept so they didn't see. Yeah.

But let's continue. Sasuke opened the door and stepped inside. He was in a tiny lobby, with some girl working as receptionist. Sasuke walked over to the receptionist, about to let them know he was there, when he saw what the receptionist looked like.

"Sadie! What are you-?" Sasuke stared blankly at her. Sure, his team made him go seek professional help. But that didn't mean others had to know!

"What! Can't a girl be a little unstable in the head!" She shouted, pouting.

Sasuke blinked. "Whatever…Can you just let this Dr. Faith know I'm here?"

"Sure." She pressed a button on an intercom thingy. "Dr.? Your patient's here."

"EXCELLENT! Bring in the specimen- I mean project- I mean-"

Sasuke walked through the door to his shrink's office, having heard enough to confirm his rising suspicions about his psychologist being a total whacko. Oh well. Her sessions were pretty cheap…

Dr. Faith sat in a recliner, a green one, mind you. "Go on, my patient. Take a seat on the couch."

Sasuke sat. "So, Doc, what're you gonna ask first?" He grumbled, not liking therapy whatsoever.

"Well, here's the first question: How do you pronounce your name?"

Sasuke frowned. "What?"

"You know. You're name. Is it pronounced like, 'Sa-sue-kee?"

"No, it's-"

"Ah, gonna keep me guessin', are ye?" She leaned back in her recliner, looking pleased. "How about 'Sauce-ke'? Get it? SAUCE! ISN'T THAT HYSTERICAL!"

"Is this therapy, or what?"

"Well, it's hard to theraperize a person when you don't even know how to say their name. That's like, common knowledge, man…"

"I pay you by the hour, you know."

"Right, right. So, Sasuke, why are you so obsessed with revenge?" She stood up, ready to give her sermon. "Don't ya know that revenge isn't what makes the sky blue?"

"What! The sky! What the heck-"

"IT'S LOVE!" She ran over and hugged Sasuke so hard his eyes bugged out. "POOR SASUKE, HE NEEDS A HUG!"

Suddenly, there was thunking on the windows and door.

"CRUD!" Faith yelled. She scurried over to her intercom thing. "Sadie? SADIE! DON'T TELL ME THAT THEY GOT IN!"

Sasuke looked around curiously. "They? Who's 'they'?"

Sadie sounded panicked. "Yes Doctor, I-"

Thunking was heard from the ceiling.

Faith glared up at it. "They're in the vents…" She whispered to Sasuke.

"For the love of- WHO IS IT?" Sasuke yelled.

Faith turned and looked at him solemnly. "Your fan girls…"

His eyes widened half an inch. "Not them!"

The fan girls burst through the vents, squealing and giggling when they saw the person they worshiped. "SASUKE!"

Faith grabbed a broom and waved it at the girls. "I'M SORRY SASUKE; I TRIED TO KEEP YOUR LOCATION A SECRET! NOW RUN SASUKE, RUN! I'LL KEEP THEM BUSY!" A girl bit off the end of the broom. "Oh, that's not entirely good…"

Sasuke ran out the door, and yelled over his shoulder, "I WANT MY MONEY BACK!"

A/N- So? Anyone like? Yes, it is weird, but heck, it's supposed to be. Hope you enjoyed. I hope it was easy to understand and made sense, too. I'm working on the next 'session'. Nyahahahhahahahahahahaha…


	2. Session 2 Naruto

A/N- …A review…? (Gets idiotic grin on face) O MY GOSH! A REVIEW! Ahem. Anyway, I'll make another, 'cause that made me happy.

** SESSION 2**

Naruto stopped in front of a familiar small building that happened to appear out of nowhere. Curious, he walked over and pushed open the door.

Inside was a lobby. He went over to a counter, and the receptionist behind it was none other than The Sadie.

"Sadie? What is this build-?"

Static came over the intercom thing on Sadie's desk. "Sadie? Is that a patient? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Ever since the fan girl incident, there haven't been any patients!"

Sadie sighed. "Yeah, I know. So Naruto, you want some free therapy?"

"I guess…Why not?" Naruto walked into Dr. Faith's office, happy at the thought of something FREE.

As always, Dr. Faith was seated in her green recliner. "Sit."

Naruto sat down on the couch. "Okay, Dr. Faith, what now?"

Faith cackled like a maniac, which kinda scared Naruto. "SILLY! NOW WE DELVE INTO YOUR PAST AND SORT OUT YOUR PROBLEMS!"

Naruto twitched. "I don't wanna…"

Faith quickly lunged for the door and locked it. "Consider my office The Inescapable Office of No Return Unless You Let the Good Doctor Faith Theraperize You. Understand?"

Naruto jumped to his feet. "No, I don't understand! How did they let you get your license in psychology?"

"Who ever said they did?"

Naruto ran over to the window, ripped it open, and tried to scramble out of it as fast as he could. "HELP, SOMEBODY HELP! THERE'S A MANIAC UNLISENCED SHRINK OUT TO GET ME! HHHEEEELLLLLLPPP!

"GET BACK IN HERE!" Sadie grabbed his feet and yanked him back in her office. "Nobody can see you dangling out my window like that!" She grabbed a conveniently placed hammer and planks of wood and covered the windows with the wood. "Now there is no escape…"

Naruto screamed bloody murder as she tackled him then tied him to the couch.

"Now, tell me your problems."

Naruto eyed her warily. "Well, the Nine-Tailed Fox is sealed inside of me."

"Ooo that is a problem." Faith tapped her chin as she thought. "Ya know, I have this friend who is a really great exorcist…"

Naruto scowled. "You can't exorcise it! Where would it go? And it could hurt people!"

"Weeelll, I also am friends with this circus who might be interested…"

"A CIRCUS!"

"Don't get your jumpsuit in a knot!"

"What?"

"Ya know, the expression 'knickers in a knot'? Well, you're not wearing knickers."

"Do you even know what knickers are?"

"Nope, and I could care less," Faith played with a piece of her hair. "But we digress. Anything else?"

"Well, Sasuke is always outdoing me…"

"Ah, inferiority issues. I have those, too." She patted him on the shoulder. "Only with a…_different_ individual."

"Fascinating. Can you set me free now?"

"Nope. Not till I give my advice."

"Which would be…?"

Faith looked at the door and windows. "Never lock yourself in a room if ya don't know how to get out…"

"WHAT! WE'RE STUCK?"

"DON'T GET YOUR JUMPSUIT IN A KNOT!"

A/N- I think that's a good place to stop for Naruto's. Tankies for reviewing! Yep, it is weird. But I'm weird, so it fits. Hope you enjoyed.


	3. Session 3 Sakura

A/N- (tears up) Wow, I am really happy that someone ACTUALLY likes me stuff…SO I'M GONNA WRITE ANOTHER! Nyahahahah…

**SESSION 3**

Sakura was walking around the village, wondering where Sasuke and Naruto went. Then she stumbled upon a wonderful grey building. Thinking they might've gone there, she toddled on inside, into this tiny cramped lobby.

Sadie glanced at her from the counter. "You gonna get some therapy, too? Doctor Faith is really desperate. It's free."

"Well…It is free, so I suppose so…" Sakura said uncertainly, while Inner Sakura screamed, _"THERAPY! I DON'T NEED THERAPY, LADY, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUGGESTING!"_ Sakura quietly stepped inside The Good Doctor's Office.

"Zzzzzz…huh? What? What's goin' on? DEFEND THE OFFICE!" Faith woke up then yelled.

"Erm, Dr. Faith, right?" Sakura asked. Certainly this lunatic wasn't the therapist!

"Yeah, so some call me. A patient, I presume? Take a seat, take a load off."

Sakura sat down on the couch. "So…I suppose you want to ask about my childhood?"

"Now why would I do that?"

"Er, that's kinda what a shrink does."

"Really? Must've fallen asleep whenever they said that…Anyway, Sakura, do you-?"

Sakura gaped at Faith. "H-how do you know my name?"

"Telepathy. Now, DON'T INTERRUPT WHEN I'M ON A ROLL! Ahem, now then, Sakura, do you hear voices?"

"Voices?"

"Yeah, as in a little voice talking to you inside that big cranium of yours. Now answer my question."

"Well, I guess, in a way…"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of. I have one too. I have a picture of what she looks like in my mind, too. It's a girl with a braid, and she serves as my conscience, the little voice that judges people, and she keeps me focused with her giant axe."

"WHAT?"

"Forget it. What kind of voice and or voices do you hear?"

"One voice, actually."

"Did you name it?"

"…Why would I…?"

"I dunno, everything should have a name." Faith leaned over and scooped up her laptop. "Like I named my laptop Joey. He attacks me. It's a love/hate relationship that we share."

"And this has to do with me how?"

"Hey, this is free therapy, girlie. Anyway, what's its name? What does it say?"

"Well, I guess it's like an inner me, an Inner Sakura. Basically she just says everything I'm thinking, and would like to say, but don't. Eh? Are you listening?"

"Snuggle timer muffin mix karaoke walrus…zzzzzzz…" Faith was slumped over, snoring.

"HELLO?"

"Zzzzzz…(snort) Huh? What? Oh, hello to you too…Did you know that you talk too much?"

"Did you know that you talk in your sleep?"

"So I've been told. Anyway, I know this wonderful psychic who could delve into your psyche and talk to this elusive 'Inner Sakura'. Sound good?"

"Why can't you?"

"I guess I could…"

"Would I have to pay your friend?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, he's gotta make a livin' somehow."

"Then you'll do just fine."

"Pfft, you people and your obsession with free things…Oh alright. Just sign this consent form."

"…Why?"

"In the likely chance that you kick the ol' buckaroo, I won't be blamed for it. Now, hold still!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

A/N- I guess I could've written more, but this seems like a good place to stop. Hope ye enjoy.


	4. Session 4 Gaara

A/N- Tankies to all who reviewed! Take some cookies! I love cookies. Right now I'm in a withdrawal from them 'cause the ones I do have I think went stale, because they're all soggy and moist and stuff, AND THEM COOKIES AIN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THAT SOFT! Ahem. I get carried away. Thanks for all the suggestions, I appreciate them. Now, upon request, I present to you, za reader, Gaara's session! (Kakashi is next, nyahahahaha…)

**SESSION 4**

Gaara was very displeased. The only reason he was even seeing this, "Doctor Faith", if that be her real name, was because his siblings were making him. Jeez, c'mon. "Doctor Faith"? What kind of corny coincidence is **_that_**? Think about it.

His thoughts were abruptly interrupted 'cause he slammed right into the door, thunking his head on it.

A head poked out of a window a few feet away. "Holy pasta, are you blind and insane?" The head stared at him. "Are you a patient, per chance?"

"Yeah, why?"

She beckoned him closer. He walked over to the window. As soon as he was close enough, she yanked him through the window. But his gourd got stuck.

"Take off your gourd!" She yelled, pulling on his head.

"Ow, what are you-?"

"TAKE IT OFF! I'LL STOP YANKIN' ON YOUR HEAD IF YA DO!"

"FINE!"

He slipped it off his back then wriggled through the window. "What are you doing?" Gaara stared as she cackled and then sat down in a recliner.

"Sit down, and The Good Doctor Faith Who Does Not Make Fun of the Size of Other People's Craniums, and Who Does Not Let Fan Girls Kidnap Someone, Then Crawl Back Up the Vents With Him, and-"

"Get to the point."

"I shall help you with **all** your problems." She said in a mystical tone.

"Yeah, sure you will."

"Uh huh, das right. Now, let's see- huh? Er, boy, why is the kanji 'love' on your forehead?"

"Because-"

"It's kinda a weird place for a tattoo, don't ya think? And why love?" Her eyes widened. "My psychologist senses are tingling…OH MY GOSH, YOU HAVE LOVE ISSUES! DON'T WORRY, I'LL SAVE YOU!"

Gaara's eyes almost popped out of his head as Faith hugged the life out of him.

"Get…off of…me!" He wheezed. She released him, and he collapsed on the couch.

"Okay, okay. I still don't get what's wrong with you people. It's just a hug! A HUG, MAN! WHERE'S THE CRIME IN THAT? IS IT **_ILLEGAL_** TO HUG SOMEONE WHO NEEDS A HUG? HUH? HUH? **HUH!**"

"No, it's not illegal, you psychotic little freak show. And _you're_ the THERAPIST!"

"Hey, I'm the only shrink around, so take my insanity and help or leave it."

"Fine, fine. Just do what you must…" Gaara muttered, closing his eyes.

"Hmm…Okay, well, tell me a problem."

"I have a demon inside of me."

"Is that like a fashion trend or something? It seems somebody always has something evil floating around in their subconsciousness (sp?)…"

"WHAT!"

"Nothing, nothing at all. As I've told my other patient, whose name will be confidential 'cause I've been sued enough as it is, I know this marvelous exorcist from India…He even has an ACCENT to boot! You know how cool their voices are?"

"What's the guy's name? And how much will this cost me?"

"The guy's called Mr. Skeleton and it _might_ cost a bit…I'm no longer doing anything like THAT again, at least with not without a professional."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just what happened to a certain pink haired girl. Anyway, Sadie will call him." She pushed the button. "SADIE!"

"Yes ma'am?"

"Call Mr. Skeleton."

"Again, ma'am?"

"Yes, Sadie, again."

"Right away, ma'am."

Faith faced Gaara and grinned. "Ah, such good service. Don't you agree?"

"No. Now hurry up or I'll kill you."

"We're a little temperamental, aren't we? Well, it'll be hard to even scratch me when your sand's out the window! Am I a genius or what? Making you leave your sand out the window, then shutting and locking the window, ah yeah, I'm really smart…"

Gaara stared at her, not sure how to respond. "Uh…Just hurry up…"

"Don't get your knickers in a knot! Isn't it fun to say that?"

"Hm. You don't know what they are, do you?"

"YES, I DO! Thanks to a certain reviewer, (cough, prodigus feldspar, cough, cough) I now know. DON'T LOOK AT ME, LIKE THAT! I, uh, just forgot what they were, that's all. I was just testing all of you, yeah, that's it!"

"Mm, hm. Now when's this exorcist-"

A guy crashed through the ceiling, then landed on Gaara and squished him.

"Hey, Mr. Skeleton, speak of the devil, and here he is." Faith smiled and swaggered over to him. He was sitting on Gaara.

"Oh. Hi. Am I squishing your client again?" Mr. Skeleton asked, glancing down at Gaara. Faith yanked him off Gaara then laid him down on the couch.

"Do what you do," Faith ordered, sitting down in her recliner with a bowel of popcorn.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

Gaara regained consciousness in a dark room. He opened his eyes and started to sit up on the couch when a small beam of light flickered on and danced around the room. Then suddenly a guy holding the head of a wooden T. Rex model and wearing a sombrero (sp?) hat on his head leaned over Gaara.

"AIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAAA! AIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAIYAAA!" The guy chanted with an Indian accent, waggling his fingers at Gaara.

"OH MY GOSH! WHAT THE-" Gaara yelled, pressing himself against the back of the couch.

Faith was heard cackling in the background. "EXORCISTS ROCK!"

A/N- Okay, I think that's a good place to stop. This one's longer than the others, though. Next, upon request, Kakashi! Hope ye enjoyed. STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT SESSION!


	5. Session 5 Kakashi

A/N- O my gosh, I'm sorry this came out sooooo late! I got...distracted... (Truth be told, I'm trying to write my own book series, and so far I'm only on like, page 2. I got preoccupied with my series.) So, that being a pretty lame excuse, let's move on. Right now I'd like to thank all of the reviewers:

Sayuri 94, Tears Of Insanity14, Gforce member45, prodigus feldspar, and Anniepopokios. You guys rock, seriously. And I apologize if I spelled your username wrong. (Nervous laugh)

**Session 5**

Kakashi stopped in front of a grey building. _Huh, I don't remember this being here..._ He thought, then walked inside to investigate.

"Hey Kakashi, go through that door."

Kakashi stopped and looked around. There was no one in the lobby, so who said that?

"Who's there?" He asked in that super-cool way he has.

He got no reply, so he walked through the doors the voice had indicated a little uncertainly.

When the doors closed, Sadie crashed through the vents, landed roughly on her behind, and yelped, "I'm not doing anymore mysterious voices, Faith!"

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Kakashi glanced around the office. It was of simple interior, just having a recliner, a couch, and...What appeared to be fake diplomas in psychology hanging on the wall, which was kinda bizarre...

"Sit down."

Kakashi did so, about to sit in the recliner.

When suddenly a girl lunged at him, and pushed him away from the forest green recliner that was o-so-comfortable!

"Your buttocks will never, and I repeat, **_never,_** touch the recliner! Ya hear me!"

Kakashi blinked, then sat on the couch.

Doctor Faith, or so her nametag read, sat in the sacred recliner. "Now," she said. "Tell me your problems. I am a psychologist, and I keep all matters confidential. In other words, I don't tell them to reporters or sell off secrets to fan girls, who pay quite handsomely. What ever gave you that idea? Are you accusing me? I'm innocent, I tell you, innocent!"

If Kakashi could, he would be out the door by now, or even the window, but he noted that all were locked, and boarded up. "Uh, er...well, I have the sharingan in one eye, if that even counts as a problem..."

"Yep, good enough. Ya know, I know this marvelous eye surgeon..."

"How do you know all these people that can conveniently 'help', and I use that word loosely, our problems?"

"Er, well, ya see...I think my amigos would like that information kept confidential. Now, what other freakish trauma have you been exposed to?"

"This therapy session will most likely count as one, by the time we're done..."

"Oh, don't be so negative. My session with a red-haired boy went pretty well, except I dunno if the exorcism worked...hmm..."

Kakashi stared at her in horror. "EXORCISM?"

Faith got a dreamy look on her face. "Just to let you know, exorcism is the coolest, man...Anyway, say another problem of yours so that I can give useless advice."

"Actually, I think I'll be leaving..." He stood up to leave but Faith stood in front of the door.

"Uh-uh. You're not leaving. Not until I help you with all of your disturbing problems that I just _know_ exist."

"Listen, you psychopath, if you don't get out of my way, I'm going to summon my dogs and make them attack you!"

"Dogs? Are they cat friendly? 'Cause ya know, I have a super-cute kitty-kums lurking around here somewhere..."

"Listen lady, those dogs are a summoning-"

"So you think your little puppies are just _so_ special 'cause they come to a whistle? I can summon my cat like that too, ya know!"

"What? No, I'm not talking about-"

"AHA! I KNEW IT!"

"What in heaven's name are you rambling about now?"

"You don't like cats, do ya, punk?"

"**Punk**! Okay, I've had ENOUGH!"

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We are sorry. But graphic and bloody violence ensues. Since this fanfic was rated...What was it rated? K? K and a plus sign? Good enough. Anyway, because of the rating we felt that this segment of the fic will be implied and not actually written out for 2 reasons:

1- It's violence, dude. No need for the children to see _that_...

And 2- Ya know, that darned Faith is just so lazy and is just so horrible at fight scenes that it probably makes the actually skilled fan-authors cringe whenever they read it...Which would be kinda hard since That Darned Faith hasn't written any fics with violence yet...

Thank you for your patience. Signed, The Creatoress of This Bizarre Fanfic, FaithsWings

A.k.a. - That was all a joke except for the part of me bein' lazy and the no violence fics. Just making sure we all understand...Let us all understand...This isn't an author note either. It's kinda a filler to take up space and unintentionally waste your time. The reason being I always write like 3 or 4 pages of this on Microsoft Word, and right now we're on...oh would you look at that, page 4! Time and pages sure do fly when you're wasting other people's time. Yeah...Oh well, I think we shall continue onward anyway.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Faith blinked. "What the heck was that giant speech up there for? We aren't even fighting! I mean jeez, you get a violence censor made by the author because Kakashi took one step forward? What the heck?"

Kakashi nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah. It's almost as bizarre and unnecessary as Faith's fake psychology diplomas..."

"Hey! Those took a long time to print out!"

"You're still wasting the readers' time."

"Ah, shut up."

"Anyway, give me my free therapy so I can get out of here, you can find another individual to torture, and the writer of this fic can go and eat some ramen."

"You're right! Except the last one was kinda random..." Faith pondered a bit.

"Hey, the writer's hungry."

"Only sheer will and guilt is making her continue typing."

"Guilt?"

"Well, yeah, I mean she hasn't updated in like, a week, and these things are not that complex...But we digress. Have you ever undergone exorcism?"

"Why would I want to?" Kakashi backed away slowly.

"...No reason...Oh look, there's my white fluff-ball of joy! Come here kitty! My client's annoying me, so ATTACK!"

A white blur sailed through the air at Kakashi's face.

"What the heck!"

In the background, Faith's voice could be heard over the (implied) violence that was happening between Kakashi and Faith's cat: "Remember, kids. Be nice to animals and the animals' owner. Or this," she pointed to the scene of (hinted) mayhem, "could very well be your fate. And besides, my cat's winning."

A/N- It might be a bit random, I dunno, but I tried. Hope you all enjoyed, I'm off to indulge myself to a sacred practice called "lunch". Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	6. Session 6 Shikamaru

A/N: Oh my pasta, I am sooooo sorry everyone! I haven't updated in like, psh, weeks. So, as a formal apology, I am giving you two, yes TWO sessions and hopefully a new story! Yes, that's right, new story! I would like to thank all loyal reviewers and readers, who still read this even though the writer (moi) is a lazy procrastinator. Please enjoy this session.

**Session 6**

Shikamaru was minding his own business, lazing on a hill, watching the clouds. He yawned, and stretched.

When suddenly, a shadow fell across him. He looked over to see some really buff guy looming over him. The buff dude had a net in his giant hands, and he dropped it on Shikamaru. Shikamaru, meanwhile, sat there completely weirded out, but remained calm nonetheless.

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX

Shikamaru was released into an office of some sorts that contained a couch and a recliner. He walked into the room as the buff dude left. Shikamaru sat down on the couch.

"Why was I kidnapped and taken to a therapist's office?" Shikamaru asked lazily. "Seems a little too troublesome..."

"Nonsense!" A voice rang out. "It's really convenient to have Bob go out and kidnap clients for me. You see, I'm not getting any clients coming on their own free will. So I've unfortunately had to resort to hiring Bob."

"Fascinating," Shikamaru leaned back and closed his eyes. "I suppose you'll want to give me therapy?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. I'm Dr. Faith." She walked out of the shadows and sat down on the recliner.

"That was kinda uncreative, walking out of the shadows like that," Shikamaru pointed out, and sorta had a point.

Faith scowled. "Not the point! So Shikamaru, how does it feel to be a genius?"

"It feels like I'm smarter than everyone," he said flatly.

"Ha, ha, very funny. So we have a comedian. Well, Shika-kun, do you like...oh I dunno...INO, by any chance?"

"What kinda question is that?" Shikamaru perked an eyebrow. "You do know that by saying that I like Ino, you'll be enraging all fans that support Temari and me."

"Ah, shuddap. I'm the therapist; I can delve into your innermost thoughts and feelings if I want to!"

"How creepy. And troublesome..."

"What's with you and saying 'troublesome'? Don't you know that there are other words instead of troublesome?"

"I don't really give a ca-"

"Or do you say troublesome only because of some past traumatizing event? Oooo, I smell a secret..."

"Really? All I can smell is that cheap air freshener you have plugged into that wall over there." He wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"What's so wrong about it? It's pine fresh! Don't you like pine? What do you have against pine? CONSPIRACY!"

"You freak of nature! What's _your_ problem?"

"You ain't the shrink, so quit asking me the questions! I'M the ring leader of this circus, and all do as I say."

"I think you have control problems," Shikamaru said thoughtfully, staring at the ceiling, "and you probably have inferiority issues, jealousy problems, and not to mention you can be a bit of an attention craver."

"What the pasta? Is this make-fun-of-Faith day? You don't see me dissecting every single flaw in you, Pineapple Boy!"

Shikamaru shrugged. "I call 'em like I see 'em. And that pineapple remark was very insulting and hurtful."

"Oh cry about it," Faith snarled.

"I think you're rabid."

"WHY IS IT SO HARD TO GIVE THESE PEOPLE THERAPY, WHY!"

Shikamaru glared at her. "You kidnapped me for starters. Then you insulted my hairstyle."

"You made fun of my air freshener!"

"You know, I think you've lost you're touch."

"Oh yeah? Guess what that little remark earned you? OH BOB!"

Bob loomed in the doorway.

"Bob, take Shikamaru to the attic," Faith smiled wickedly. "There are squirrels up there that would just _love_ pineapple."

"You crazy woman!" Shika-kun yelled as he was dragged off to the attic that held the tribe of furry rodents. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Feel my wrath! FEEL IT!" Faith yelled as she chunked air fresheners at Shikamaru's head. "And guess what? I'll be sure to alert Temari and Ino of your demise! Mwahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha! I hope you like squirrels! 'Cause after this, I know I sure do!"

A/N: And this isn't all! Session 7 is looming right around the corner. The new story might not be out today, but it'll be out soon, I promise. I hope you all enjoyed! FEAR THE SQUIRRELS! BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (smacks self) I've had too much chocolate...


	7. Session 7 Shino

A/N: And here is session 7. Enjoy, dedicated readers, enjoy.

Disclaimer – I do not own any Naruto character. I own Sadie, and I own myself, and I own Mr. Skeleton and Bob, but so far that is all. I do NOT, do NOT own Barbie. Yes, that sounds weird, but you shall see. (Shudders) Good thing I don't that...lady.

**Session 7**

Shino was being shoved towards the double doors of the small grey building. Kiba and Hinata were pushing him somewhat roughly towards the therapist, and to Shino, doom.

"C'mon, Shino, it's not the end of the world," Kiba growled, and Akamaru barked encouragingly.

"Y-yeah Shino, y-you m-m-might actually b-be helped." Hinata stuttered out.

"..." Was Shino's reply.

They shoved him through the doors, then left. Sadie looked curiously over the counter. "Are you Shino?" she asked.

"...yes..."

"Alright then, Dr. Faith is waiting for you. Through those doors, please."

Shino walked through the doors and into an office. He sat down on the couch.

"'Ello ol' chap, how ya doing today?" Dr. Faith said from her recliner.

"..."

"Not much of a talker, eh? I bet I can fix that!" She got up and rolled a TV that was on a wheeled cart over. Shino perked an eyebrow, but didn't say anything, of course.

Faith walked over to him. She stood triumphantly in front of him and waved a tape in front of his face. "Know what this is?" She said in a smug voice.

"No."

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS, _THIS_ BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF TORTURE IS ON LOAN TO ME FROM IBIKI (sp, don't know if that's how you spell the torture specialist guy's name) AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THIS IS?"

"Probably not."

"Too bad! It's a tape of...wait for it...BARBIE!"

Shino gasped in horror.

"YES! IT IS TRUE, I TELL YOU! SO IF YOU DON'T TALK TO ME I'M GONNA PLAY THIS TAPE!"

"You wouldn't dare!" Shino exclaimed.

"I would." Faith ripped out a pair of ear plugs. "Because I have these."

"Fine," Shino muttered. "I will speak."

"Good boy." Faith put the tape down. "Now, to start, why do you never talk, eh?"

"I don't want to."

"Huh. You're bizarre. BUT, moving on, do you wear those sunglasses at night, too? Wouldn't it kinda defeat the purpose of wearing shades if it's already dark out?"

"I wear them because I want to. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, not necessarily, no. Why are you wearing a parka? It's not cold in here, is it?"

"One- it's not a parka. Two- I can wear it if I want to. And three- You're supposed to be helping me with my problems, not ridiculing my attire." Shino glared at her.

"Touchy, touchy," Faith sniffed. "What electrical outlet did you stick your hand in? I mean, jeez, it must have been one big shockwave to make your hair all spiky like that."

"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, WOMAN! ATTACK, MY BUG BROTHERS, ATTACK!"

"O MY PASTA! WHAT THE PASTA? BUUUUUUUGSSSSS!" Faith screamed like a girlie girl and climbed onto the very top of her chair as bugs came swarming at her from Shino.

(In the lobby...)

Sadie paused in the middle of her paper work, certain that she had heard screaming. Shrugging it off, she ignored the tiny voice that was screaming her name from Faith's office.

(Back in the office...)

Shino walked over to Faith, smirking underneath his lab coat thing. "My bugs will suck your chakra dry! MwahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Not cool! I don't like bug swarms! SAVE ME, SOMEBODY, SAVE MEEEEE!"

A/N: It's not much, but I couldn't really think up much for Shino...hmm...Oh well. What have we learned? Don't make fun of Shino's styling shades or hairstyle or coat. Hope me readers enjoyed.


	8. Session 8 Kiba

A/N- 'Ello, 'ello everyone! Sorry this is late! And also, that new story's gonna take a wee bit longer. I had an idea, but I didn't like it, so I'm now brainstorming again. Faith asks for a bit more patience from her already EXTREMELY patient readers. Enjoy! This is a request from Sayuri 94! Yay! ONWARD!!

**Session 8**

Kiba sulked in the waiting room of the therapy place. This was revenge. He knew it. Shino was seeking vengeance by making him come here.

"Okay Kiba, Doctor Faith can see you now," an overly cheery voice said from the counter.

Kiba stood up, and walked to the doors to the therapist's office. He entered and sat down on a couch, then took Akamaru off his head and placed the (extremely) adorable puppy beside him.

"Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. Or should I say dog? Ha, ha, HA, HA, HA! THAT WAS BAD OF ME, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Kiba stared at the brown haired girl before him. "You're Dr. Faith?" he asked bewilderedly. "But I thought she was a therapist, not some raving lunatic."

"Raving? Raving? I dunno where the acorns you got that adjective, but I haven't raved or ranted about something in moons." She settled herself comfortably in her recliner and stared at him.

"So. . ." Kiba fidgeted. "Are you going to give me therapy, or –"

"Is that a dog? Oh, he's so cute! Come here you, come here!"

Akamaru whined and hid behind Kiba.

"Ah, the poor dear must be shy, since he is in the presence of a GODDESS."

"Yeah, whatever lady! I paid you five bucks, where's my therapy?" Kiba exclaimed crossly. "All you're doing is rambling and not helping me in the slightest bit!"

Faith narrowed her eyes. "Hrmm . . . Ya know what, Kiba?"

"What?"

"This facility used to not have indoor bathrooms. It had outhouses, but no pipes, no toilets, no sinks. Pretty disgusting, huh?"

"Why the heck are you telling me this?" Kiba had a bad feeling about this. A very bad feeling indeed . . .

"Patience, my dear dog boy, patience. Well, recently, I had these peeps come out and install a nice bathroom. 'Give me the works,' I had said. 'Install all the latest technology.' Now my beautiful bathroom was just installed last night, and I haven't seen it yet. So, you and I are going to go take a tour."

". . ."

"Kiba? Why are you staring at me like that? It's creepy. Wait, are you even alive? Holy waffles, I think he's dead! SADIE! REVIVE HIM!"

"Wait, I'm not dead!" Kiba yelled, backing against the sofa.

Faith grinned. "Good. Let's take a tour then, shall we?"

**Three minutes later after dragging Kiba down the hallway . . .**

"See? Isn't it neato?"

Kiba stared. "You only had them install one bathroom? Not two, for both the guys and girls?"

"Well, that would've been expensive, and besides, there's only one toilet beyond this beige-colored door." Faith stroked the door lovingly. "How long I've been waiting for indoor plumbing . . ." she purred.

"Err . . . I really think we're out of time for my session."

"Nonsense. I'm still giving you your therapy. After all, toilets are good for the soul."

Faith grabbed Kiba's wrist once more and pushed open the bathroom door. What Faith saw astounded her into silence (which Kiba was thankful for), but Kiba didn't see anything except a sink, a soap dispenser, one of those air-drying things that are used instead of paper towels, and a stall with a toilet inside it.

"Wow," Faith whispered, dragging Kiba over to the sink. "The sink's motion censored. Oh wow . . ." She waved her hand underneath the faucet, and the water turned on by itself. "Amazing!"

Kiba rolled his eyes.

"Now let's see the toilet . . ." Faith dragged Kiba over to the stall. The toilet was normal looking, except there was a black electronic square behind the toilet, and there was no handle to flush.

"Fascinating . . ." Faith murmured as she leaned over the toilet, inspecting the black square.

"Can we go now?" Kiba whined. "You're wasting my therapy time, and it's just a regular toilet!"

Faith jerked her head up and was about to lecture him on the importance of how indoor plumbing was much more sanitary than outdoor, when the black square flickered and the toilet suddenly flushed on its own.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! DEMON TOILET, DEMON TOILET!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" Faith screamed as she ran from the bathroom, still dragging Kiba with her.

"WHAT THE HECK? IT'S JUST AN AUTOMATIC FLUSHING TOILET!!! IT'S MOTION CENSORED, NOT DEMONIC!!"

"I KNOW WHAT TYPE OF TOILET IT IS!! THEY HAVE THESE EVIL THINGS AT AIRPORTS!!!"

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?"

"I'M AFRAID OF THEM, BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN THEY FLUSH! THEY'RE UNPREDICTABLE, AND EVEN IF THERE'S THE SLIGHTEST MOVEMENT, THEY STRIKE!"

Faith reached into her pocket and pulled out red candle shaped things.

"What are those?" Kiba asked, while they still ran for their lives.

Faith pulled out a lighter and lit the candle-looking things. "I'm gonna kill the toilet!"

"WHAT?!"

Faith threw the dynamite over her shoulder as Kiba, herself, and Sadie ran from the building.

A fiery inferno roared into the sky as Akamaru scampered out of the building at the last second.

For a moment, no one spoke as they watched bits of building fall from the sky as it all rained back down from being exploded into the air.

Kiba picked up Akamaru, and stared at his dog for a moment. Then, "Oh my gosh! Akamaru's butt is singed!"

"Poor puppy," Faith cooed sympathetically. "But the evil had to be destroyed."

"For the love of ramen, it was a toilet!"

"A possessed toilet."

"I could charge you with animal abuse and for carrying explosives in your back pocket!"

"Why did you have dynamite on you, ma'am?" Sadie asked, staring at her employer. Kiba fell silent and waited for Faith's answer as well.

Faith looked at the burning building in front of her with satisfaction. "In my line of work, you never know when you might just need to blow the crap out of something."

"I still want my five bucks back."

"No refunds!"

A/N- Er, a bit weird, I know. But it was such a funny idea! Heh, heh. But anyways, as an apology, I'll be writing at least three sessions today, and I'll try to get the first chappie to my new thingie out soon. Hey, it's Christmas Break, and I've now got loads of time to work on my fanfiction! I would've gotten this out way sooner, but I've been really busy studying and junk. (Sigh) . . . I hate semester tests . . . Well, hope ye enjoyed!

Peace to me readers!


	9. Session 9 Orochimaru

A/N- YAY!! I can update again! Yep, I continue my promise, since my Daddy is so nice and got me a new tip for my adapter. Aaah . . . Let Faith's Almighty Update continue!

I'm now doing a quote for each session! Isn't it fun?! Feel free to make suggestions for quotes and sessions!

Quote – _"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order." – Brian Pickrell_

**Session 9**

Kabuto had had enough.

Seriously.

How much can one sane guy take? Geez, his boss was a freak, to put it nicely.

So, in conclusion, that's why Orochimaru was seated on the ground inside a stuffy tent in the middle of the woods. A girl with blond hair sat outside the tent, and she called herself the receptionist. Orochimaru didn't understand why the pasta an organization in psychology would have an office (tent) in the wilderness. Must be some really bad funding going on here . . .

With a flourish, the brown haired girl who was Dr. Faith ripped open the flaps on the opposite end of the tent. For unfathomable reasons, she was wearing a khaki safari outfit, binoculars and all.

"YOU!" she cried as she pointed at her patient. Orochimaru blinked.

Faith flopped onto the ground in front of Mr. Snake Man. "So . . . you want therapy, do ye?"

"Yes. But where's the real thera –"

"But before we begin," Faith interrupted, ignoring him completely, "I must ask one question." She took a deep breath. "Person, are you a boy or a girl?"

Orochimaru exclaimed indignantly, "I am male, thank you very much!"

Faith rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "Hrrmm . . . so I need to add gender confusion as one of your issues, eh?"

"I am not gender confused, you brat!" Orochimaru spat crossly.

"WELL, person, if you're so sure of your sex why are you wearing makeup?" Faith smirked, pointing at his glittery purple eye shadow.

"I never! I come here for therapy and I receive only harassment!"

"Actually, now that I think upon it, the Internet is much meaner to you, my friend. They harass you just as much as I do!" Faith defended, scowling. "Besides, we can't help it that you're soooo weird."

"Oh, so now you've resorted to insults?"

"Hey, insults from other individuals make you look at your actions in a new perspective." Faith frowned at him. "Besides, I'm the only uncertified therapist around, bud."

Orochimaru hissed. "I'll kill you!"

"Aaah, a snake fetish as well . . ."

Orochimaru did his special little hand signs or whatever and summoned . . . a SNAKE!!! Dun, dun, duuuuuuun!

"O. My. Pasta . . . I'TS A SSSSSSSSSSNNNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Huh?! What are you doing to my summoning?"

"DIE SNAKE!" Faith ripped out a bundle of red sticks from her pocket and lit them with a lighter.

"Hold on, you're gonna kill us all!"

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'M NOT A PYRO!!!!!"

KABOOOOOOM! WHEEEEEEE!

XxXxXxXxX

"Alright, the menace has been destroyed!"

"Ma'am, I think that was a bit drastic . . . it was just a snake . . ."

"No, Sadie, it was a _big_ snake."

"Well, where are you going to set up your office now, hm? Now that you've completely OBLITERATED that part of the woods . . . ?" Orochimaru frowned in disapproval. It was just a summoning jutsu, for the love of monkeys . . .

"Hrrmm . . . at least no woodland creatures were harmed in the making of this therapy session." Faith scanned the horizon. They all were standing on the edge of the crater the dynamite had made.

"Who cares about Bambi and his forest friends?! I paid you 10 BUCKS for this therapy, and so far I've gained absolutely **nothing**!!!" Orochimaru screeched, dusting the ash off the sleeves of his pretty little outfit. Who knew that explosives could be so harmful to your clothing? Not Orochimaru. Personally, he had never used dynamite before.

"NO REFUNDS! Gee willickers, you people and your fixation with money . . ." Faith suddenly pointed in a south-east direction. "I know! We'll go to the Land of Waves!"

"_After_ my therapy, you wrench!"

"Okay, first off, it's 'wench', not 'wrench'. Get it right. I'm so not a tool that belongs in a garage!"

"Whatever! You get my point! I want my therapy! I want my money back! I want to LEAVE this band of lunatics!" Orochimaru wailed hysterically.

Faith sighed as she started to walk towards the Land of Waves. "You want, you want, you want . . . I'm so tired of your whining. Besides, you're the one that lured that horrendous animal into my sacred mojo, and made me waste my precious explosives! So I have only one sentence to say to you: ATTACK, MY SQUIRRELY BRETHREN!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Orochimaru screamed as wild chattering and squeaking came from the nearby trees.

"Rodents will rule the world, man . . ." Faith cackled as she and her receptionist walked into the sunset.

XxXxXxXxX

"Um, ma'am?"

"What Sadie?"

"What about the woods? Couldn't Tsunade-sama sue us or something for deforestation and murder and usage and handling of explosives?"

"Explosives and deforestation, maybe, but murder? Nah. Squirrels can't eat snakes. Since when do you look out the window and see a squirrel devouring a python in your backyard? No, my naïve Sadie, it's just not done."

"But we can still get in trouble for the explosives and the destruction of a habitat, can't we?"

". . ."

"Ma'am?"

". . . I need some chocolate . . ."

XxXxXxXxX – At Orochimaru's HQ – XxXxXxXxX

"Sir, what's wrong?!" Kabuto exclaimed as Orochimaru staggered into his hideout.

Orochi raced over to Kabuto, bruised and having bite marks on him. "Close the windows lock the doors! Batten down the hatches!!" His voice was high-pitched and delirious as he grabbed Kabuto's shoulders and shook him. "THE RODENTS ARE COMING!!!!"

XxXxXxXxX

A/N- Ye like? I hope so. I tried. (Sigh) ANYWAY, I can update! YAY! Thanks for reviewing, everyone!


	10. Session 10 Haku Is Kidnapped

A/N – Whee! Reviews! O how I lurve thee, reviewers! And, as a note, if you haven't seen/read past volume 4 or episode 21, then this _might _just be a large spoiler. Just so ya know. And oh, if you're wondering HOW Haku and Tsunade can be in the same chapter, feel free to ask. According to Faith, Naruto's time sequence is disrupted because she showed up. What, did you actually believe that there was no plot to this?! NAAAAAAH. I just _love _surprising you guys. That's all. :)

By now we all KNOW I don't own Naruto or anything other than Faith, Sadie, Bob, other OCs, and my squirrels. Anything else, well . . . We all know ain't mine.

Replies_: Dancer of the Wind_ – I just can't resist replying to this! When I read your review, I considered the story thus far, and I suppose you have a very good point . . . XD

_KKCoolGirl_ – You flatter me! Thanks! I'm glad you like it.

_BleedingSaro_ – It's great to hear from you again, too! I know, I agree, it's been eras since I last updated . . . -- I am such a lazy procrastinator. And this is your new username, eh? I hope I spelt it right! .

_Cyh Scaevola_ – Mwahahahahahaha . . . It pleases me greatly that you like this . . . fanfic.

Quote of the Day – _"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." – Samuel Goldwyn. _**(Oh so true. Especially if FAITH'S the psychiatrist/therapist . . .)**

**Session 10** **(We're in the double digits now!! –Sob – Time flies!)**

"AH! This is a nice spot! Quickly Sadie, pitch the tent!"

"Our tent kinda blew up, remember ma'am?"

". . . Oh yeah . . . Well, I guess you better set up a shack or something while I kidnap a specimen!!"

XxXxXxXxX – In Tsunade-sama's Office (she _is _the Hokage, she deserves an office)

"SHIZUNE! Why the heck are there reports of a lunatic who is supposedly giving therapy but is really terrorizing my ninjas?!" Tsunade yelled, slamming a fist down onto her desk. (Surprisingly, said desk didn't crack or break)

Shizune looked very uncomfortable before her Hokage's wrath. "It's true, ma'am. The Anbu Black Ops report that this girl is now in the Land of Waves."

Tsunade collapsed back into her chair. She rubbed her chin thoughtfully as she replied, "Send a Genin team to stop this menace."

"Are you sure, Tsunade-sama?"

"Yes. It's just two girls who have no ninja skills at all. What harm can be done? Oh, and more specifically, send out Team 10."

XxXxXxXxX – With Team 10 – (Shika-kun is magically here! Yay!) XxXxXxXxX

"No way!"

"Yeah, Ino. We're going to the Land of Waves tomorrow."

"No way!"

"Please control your enthusiasm."

"NO WAY!!!"

"SHUT UP, ALREADY!"

"Sorry, Shikamaru," Ino looked over at her wounded teammate sympathetically. "Do the bites still hurt?"

Shikamaru scowled. "It was as if those pests were trying to eat me."

"I thought (crunch) that squirrels didn't (several crunches and smacking) eat meat," Chouji said through a huge mouthful of his classic BBQ chips.

"You're right, squirrels aren't carnivorous," Shikamaru grumbled. He was covered in Band-Aids and bandages. He also had to get rabies shots. "But those were evil mammals from down below (if you get my drift), and for satanic rodents, anything is possible."

Asuma ignored the weird conversation between his pupils (not the part of his eyes!) and took a drag on his cigarette. _Kids these days, _he thought disdainfully. _They're so freaky._

XxXxXxXxX – The Next Morning – XxXxXxXxX

Faith walked back into the clearing. All around her was a sparse forest. She sighed.

"Where are all the Homo sapiens? All I found in this stupid forest is crickets! Crickets, crickets, crickets! The land here is made of crickets!"

Suddenly, a person wearing a blue-green kimono type-thing (I know, I'm just so good at describing things) who was also wearing a Hidden Mist Village hunter-nin mask raced by. He/she/it bumped into Faith and knocked her over onto her caboose.

"Whoa there, person, watch where you run." Faith looked up at the thing that stood before her.

"I apologize," the person said before starting to run again. But before he/she/it (gender has yet to be confirmed – it's wearing a mask, for buggie's sake!) could slink back into the woods, Faith grabbed the collar of his/hers/its kimono.

"HEY!! Do you want therapy??"

"Th . . . Therapy . . .?"

"Yeah, man, it's totally free since you're like, the first customer of my new establishment."

Before the person could even open their mouth (which we wouldn't have seen, anyway), Faith dragged him/her/it off into the woods.

XxXxXxXxX

Sadie had made a shack hut thing out of twigs and sticks and stuff. It would only house one person comfortably, but comfort (or lack of) wouldn't stop Faith from cramming her specimen into the itty-bitty living space.

"Seat your butt, now." Faith crawled into the back of her hut and sat staring at her patient who was awkwardly squatting on the ground before her.

An uncomfortable silence settled as thickly as flies on a cow.

"So . . ." Faith began, her eyes wide in the dark of the hut. "What are you?"

"What do you mean, what am I?"

"What is with you people?! Sheesh . . . Are you a boy or a girl? Talk about déjà vu . . ."

The thing before her took of his/her/its mask to reveal a smooth, gentle face and dark brown eyes, and two locks of dark brown hair hanging down in front of the face while the rest was held in a bun-looking thing.

Faith squealed like the pathetic fangirl that she is. "OH MY PASTA, IT'S HAKU!!! AND ALL THIS TIME I'VE BEEN CALLING YOU A HE/SHE/IT IN THE NARRATIVE!!!!!"

Haku sweatdropped. "No, no," he chuckled, "it's okay, really."

"No it's not!" She snapped. She flew at him and wrapped her arms around him. "Never die again!" She sobbed pathetically.

Haku was puzzled. Sure, he was often mistaken for a girl. It was kinda annoying to him, but it's not like it bothered him that much anymore. He had gotten used to it. He had accustomed himself. Adapted. Evolved into a being that could handle the gender-confusion. But the knowledge that he had _fangirls _was staggering. And what did she mean by "die"?

"Err . . . I haven't died, as far as I know."

Faith looked up at him. Her eyes narrowed. "Everything's whacko. Ever since I graced you all with my presence, your order of events had an ulcer, did a back-flip, and _bam_, here we are today."

Haku blinked.

Faith released him and shrugged. "Did you actually believe that there wasn't a plot to this thing?" She suddenly cackled in an Indian accent, "Oh ho, ho, ho, ho! No, there's a BIT of a storyline. I shudder to imagine what a total anarchy would be like with ME smack in the middle of it."

"Umm . . . Isn't this therapy?"

"NO! I kidnapped you! If you stay with Zabuza, you'll die. NO, no, no, Faithie-Poo isn't about to let her precious kick the ol' buckaroo just yet. Instead, you'll come with me! And serve me in all my psychological splendor."

Haku gaped at her. "W-what do you mean?! Are you going to try and take me away from Zabuza?!"

"Yes. Precisely. You, from this moment forward, are no longer his pet. You are no longer his puppy. You are no longer his loyal and faithful schnauzer. You are now MY schnauzer, MINE!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

XxXxXxXxX – With Shika-kun (and the rest) – XxXxXxXxX

"Ugh . . . Do we _have _to travel through these woods? They're so troublesome."

"Yeah, well . . . Camouflage and stealth are important, y'know."

Ino sighed loudly. "When are we going to get there?! It's so gross in these woods!" She wrinkled her nose as a cricket scurried past. "The Land of Waves has a serious roach problem!"

Suddenly, Chouji screamed and fell to his knees. Asuma, Shikamaru, and Ino whirled around and raced to his side.

"What's wrong?!" Ino practically shouted at him.

"I RAN OUT OF CHIPS!!!!"

Silence . . .

The Forest of Crickets came to life with a chorus of awkward chirping.

"SO troublesome . . ."

XxXxXxXxX

A/N- Woooooo, this was long. O.O But I am very muchly guilty for procrastinating it so much. -" Err . . . Faith hearts Haku . . . HEART!!!! girly giggle

ANYWAY, enjoy. YES! There is a PLOT! sob I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULDN'T DO IT!!!! FAITH _LOATHES _PLOTS!!!!

Peace. Good day. Bye-bye. TTFN, Ta-Ta For Now.


	11. Session 11 Shikamaru Returns

A/N – YO! It's been ages, dudes. Nevertheless let us continue.

I'd just like to take this moment to say thanks you all. And guess how many hits this story's gotten? 1311 hits! And reviews? 32! By my pineapples, I love you all . . .

DISCLAIMER – I own nothing but the Huge Haunted Duffle Bag of Darkness, Sadie, Faith, Bob, Mr. Skeleton, and Clarence. And my squirrels. I own nothing else.

Thanks to all who read and review! ;)

**SESSION 11**

It's perfectly understandable that the first thing Haku would do would be to try and slip away from the lunatic. But Faith had prevented all escape by chaining him down to the ground. ("Where did you get those THINGS?" "Magic. Take notes.")

Faith was scanning the edges of the clearing, looking for any people. Haku thought that those free peeps that still lived unchained to the ground were very lucky devils indeed.

Sadie told the good doctor nervously, "I've heard that Tsunade has sent someone after us."

Faith chortled merrily. "Great! Splendid! The more the merrier, I always so! OH-HO-HO-HO-HO-HO!!!"

Haku frowned. "Was that necessary?"

Faith whirled on him and snapped, "Yes, it was! If I don't laugh like Santa at least ONCE a day then I will surely DIE."

Haku and Sadie stared. Seconds crawled by. Then, suddenly, they heard a scream coming from the woods. Faith perked up and giggled, "HUMANS!"

She scampered over to the shack and began to dig around in her Huge Haunted Duffle Bag of Darkness™ (not really TM-ified. YET. evil duffle bag snarls, bites, hisses, and glares – be warned )

"I always carry these books with me," Faith chattered as she tossed huge books over her shoulder. "A dictionary, a thesaurus, a book on gardening, a book on psychology, AND a book on sociology –"

Sadie said in surprise, "I always thought that that was for yourself."

Faith scowled. "I need no assistance from sociology texts. I KNOW _instinctively _how to communicate in society."

Crickets chirped . . .

Faith snarled as she picked up her thesaurus, "Sure, sure, mock me now, insects! BUT I WILL GAIN VENGEANCE! ONE DAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!" She turned and sprinted off into the words, in the direction of the scream.

Silence passed between Sadie and Haku, then Haku told her solemnly, "If you have one shred of sanity left, could you please unchain me? It's locked."

Sadie shook her head. "Nada. Doctor Faith would skin me alive and then disembowel me and eat my liver."

Haku paled. "Really?"

"Yeah, she told me so at butter-knife point."

**XxXxXxXxXxX – With Team 10 – XxXxXxXxX**

"Did you have to shriek so loudly? And over _chips_?" Ino whined, rubbing her ears.

"Not just ANY chips," Chouji retorted. "Barbeque chips."

"Oh wow," Shikamaru said sarcastically. Asuma watched his pupils banter in amusement and puffed on his smoke-stick. Seriously. Twerps were fun to watch, especially when they suffered from their "dramas".

Suddenly, a hand shot out of the shrubbery and grabbed Shikamaru by the back of his collar. A squirrel cackle rang through the forest and Shika-kun's eyes widened.

"They've come for me again," he whispered right before he was sucked into the brush.

Ino screamed and Chouji fainted. Asuma watched interestedly as he munched on popcorn that materialized out of nowhere.

_This is better than the soaps on TV, _the jounin thought. (TV or no TV in Konoha? This one doesn't know.)

**XxXxXxXxX – In the Clearing with the Shack – XxXxXxXxXxX**

Faith skipped into the clearing, spinning in circles and clutching her thesaurus to her chest. "Saaaaaaaaadiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee," she sang, "gueeeeeeeeesssssssss whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat I foooooooooooouuuuuuund!!"

Sadie looked behind the doctor only to see, to her HORROR, a giant werewolf-like drooling squirrel-thing dragging in Shikamaru from the forest. Shikamaru was bound by chains and gagged with a dish-towel. He looked terrified at the prospect that a MONSTROUS rodent that walked on two legs was dragging him back to the doctor.

Haku had to feel pity for the poor pineapple head. At least Haku didn't have to have a Dawn dish-cleaner tasting rag in his mouth.

"Now," Faith chirped, "Shika-kun has been returned." She rushed over to the mutant six-foot tall squirrel and stroked him. "I named him Clarence."

"And where did you get him, ma'am?" Sadie asked, staring wide-eyed at him.

"Saudi Arabia, where else?" (Note – I just thought of a random country. XD Nothing against Saudi Arabia.)

Clarence roared like a saber tooth cat. Faith cackled and Shikamaru had cardiac arrest and choked on his dish rag.

Clarence tossed Shikamaru next to Haku and lumbered off into the woods as Faith waved a hanky after him, tears in her eyes as she called, "I'll never forget you!" (Kinda like _Gone with the Wind. _:D)

Crickets chirped. Faith crammed her hanky into her mouth and ate it, and grumbled as she chewed, "Stupid crickets . . . The land is made of crickets . . ."

Haku cried, "What are you doing?! Let me and this boy go!"

Faith cackled, then choked, gasped, and collapsed. Sadie cried, "I think she choked on that tissue!"

Faith raised a finger into the air, coughed up her hanky and mumbled, "HANKY . . . It's a hanky, not a _tissue . . ._"

Haku snapped, "Let us go!"

"AI-YAI-YAI-YAI-YAI-YAI-YA!!!!! PATIENCE, PATIENCE!" She flew herself at him and glomped him. "I just luvsss you soooo muches," she said in a Shirley Temple like voice. "I could NEVAS release you . . ."

Haku was twitching wildly. Faith let go of him and smiled. "Anyway . . ." she said as she fiddled with a lock of hair. ". . . time to give someone therapy." She stepped in front of Shikamaru and glared down at him. "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GUACAMOLE? TELL THE TRUTH, ONLY THE TRUTH, NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!"

Sadie commented, "Uh, that's not really therapy, ma'am."

"This is a dictatorship, Sadie. If _I _say it's a therapy method, BY KING GEORGE'S FEET it's a therapy method."

Shika-kun gave Faith the evil-eye.

Haku grumbled, "You scare me, Faith . . ."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Faith snarled, glaring at Haku. "You're my precious and all, but what are you implying, eh?"

"Nothing," Haku replied. "It just means you're a kidnapping-raving-senile-loon."

Sadie choked in the background, snickering, as the good doctor's eye twitched. "Thank you, my darling."

Shika-kun grumbled something incoherent passed his gag and Faith snapped, "SILENCE, PINEAPPLE!!"

Suddenly, rustles came from the nearby shrubs. A head with long blond hair poked out of the bushes.

Faith screamed like a fan-girl (she's been doing that a lot lately, huh?), "OMG, IT'S DEIDARA!!!"

Ino blinked. "Who?" she snapped impatiently.

Faith sighed disappointedly. "Never mind, false alarm. You just look like him, that's all."

"I DON'T LOOK LIKE A DUDE!"

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO HE IS, SO THERE!"

Sadie interrupted, "But I thought Deidara was a girl . . ."

(Crickets chirp)

Faith said slowly, "Of course he's a male . . . I think . . ."

"Wasn't there one official website that said he was female?" Sadie asked.

Faith snorted. "Whatever. I don't care if he's a girl or not to _them, _he will ALWAYS be male in my mind."

Haku pointed out, "I think we digressed."

Ino shook her head, stood up from the bushes, then pointed at Faith and shouted, "OKAY, back to business! You let Shikamaru go!"

Faith looked amused. "Where's the fatso that was with you? And the cigarette-addict?"

Chouji popped up out of a nearby bush and shouted angrily, "I'M NOT FAT, I'M –"

"'PLEASANTLY PLUMP,' WE KNOW, WE KNOW!" Ino yelled in irritation. She faced Doctor Faith again. "Okay! Let Shikamaru go!"

"And while you're at it," Haku chimed in, "I'd like to be released as well."

"Well, that answered my question," Faith said, in reference to Chouji. "Anyway, NO. I won't let ANY of you go. Not even you, Blondie, and you, Fatso."

Sadie inquired, "But ma'am, what will we do with them?"

Faith chuckled. She replied, "Why, Sadie, give them therapy of course!" She rubbed her hands together like and evil-villain in an old black-and-white cartoon. "Then we will take over the world!"

Everyone stared. "How?"

Faith cackled. "Ever since I came here, I screwed up the order of events and the time sequence. The way I figure is that the only one who can fix it would be me. BUT, I don't like the way some things turned out, like the deaths of my beloveds. So I will rule your world!" (Here she paused to breathe and cackle some more.) "And, the only way to FIX the time sequence would be using the method that Jefferson did!"

"Jefferson?"

"Yeah, y'know, as in Thomas Jefferson? He made a time machine out of mozzarella and parmesan cheese. Then he went to the future, read my mind with his nifty ESP, went back to the past, made the alias of James Madison, who then made the alias of Thomas Edison, who THEN made the light bulb, overall stealing my idea!"

"Your point being?" Haku asked crossly.

"I'm telling you my evil plan, so SILENCE. Anyway, I'm going to give everyone therapy, and then make a time machine out of aforementioned cheeses. Any questions?" Faith politely asked after ranting.

Chouji raised his hand and asked, "When your done, can I eat your time-machine?"

"Eeeeeehhhh, no."

A/N – And so concludes Session 11 – Shikamaru Returns! Now all you good people out there, I have an announcement. For next session, I will be letting three readers put themselves in the chaos of Chapter 12. I'm only accepting three, and I already have one person picked, so if you're interested in being in the next chapter message me or say so in your review and I will respond and answer all questions you may have. Okay? 'Kay. Trust me, this'll be fun. XD


	12. Session 12 Sayonara, Needles

A/N – I just wanna say thanks to the readers/reviewers and to Cyh Scaevola and BleedingSaro for letting me cram them into the chaos. Thanks. Warning – PLEASE Cyh and Saro – Don't kill me and eat me because I made you do crazy things. T-T I value my life! MERCY! Take no offense.

DISCLAIMER – I don't own Naruto or Cyh Scaevola or BleedingSaro. Or anything else, really, except Faith, Sadie, Clarence, Mr. Skeleton, etc.

**Session 12**

It looked as if they had turned to stone. Faith and Ino continued to glare at each other, while the rest just kinda watched. Ever since Faith had finished her rant about her time machine, she and the blond kunoichi had been having this glaring/staring contest. Most unsettling.

Chouji was afraid of the therapy-woman. If she could make a time machine out of cheese, then who knows what she could do to HIS food?! Shikamaru was most uncomfortably gagged still, lying on the ground and sending the evil eye to Faith. Haku was still chained to the ground. He had the feeling he had been forgotten in the narrative for a while.

Sadie…went to the bathroom. Yeah…

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh…

A shadow crept along the line of trees…

Duh-nah-nuh-nuh…

Closer…closer…CLOSER…

Duh-nah-nuh-nah-nuh-nuh…

_Closer_…And…

DUH-NUH-NAH-NUH-NUH-NUH!!!!

"THAT'S IT, THAT'S ALL I CAN TAKE!"

Everyone turned to stare at Faith, who was holding this _massive _harpoon over her head and glaring into the woods. They all briefly wondered how she had gotten a harpoon, but then wondered how they all could be wondering the exact same thing in perfect unison. Creepy. Then they all wondered how they _could _be wondering in unison about wondering in unison.

ANYWAY…Faith twirled her harpoon and shouted, "Yo, whoever's there needs to come out! 'Cause I just can't take anymore of the suspense and _Jaws _music."

Two girls stepped out of the trees. Gasp! It was none other than Saro Takihino and Cyh Scaevola. Faith tossed the harpoon over her head, staring in shock. "MY AMIGOS!" she squealed, running over to them and hugging them. "My partners in crime…"

Saro drew out a sword made of MARSHMALLOWS (don't ask ;)) and yelped, "Enough hugging! Sheesh! Don't make me _impale _you!"

Faith shrugged, released them, and marveled at her sword, "How did you make that?"

Saro bit into it. "Trade secret," she replied.

Cyh sighed (lol) and asked, "Why are you holding two teenage males captive?"

Faith grinned. "Uh…"

Cyh's eyes widened as Saro chewed happily. "You're being a fangirl. Again."

Everyone was staring at the two females who had stepped out of the woods. Who the heck were these people? And…WAIT. Did Faith say they were her _friends_…?

Oh sweet merciful heavens, they sure hoped not.

Suddenly, an explosion…

…of fat pink bubbles erupted beside them. Out of it came a confused Kiba, who stared at them all in bewilderment.

Saro squealed, "My darling!" and glomped him. Faith chuckled.

Kiba squawked, "You again!" at the good doctor, and Akamaru growled from his perch on Kiba's head. Kiba tried to get away from the OTHER fangirl but her embrace was too tight. He began to turn as blue as a hippo's butt in the middle of November when it's 25 degrees Fahrenheit out, and – Oh forget it…

Cyh stared at Ino and said, "She resembles somebody…"

Faith cried, "Ha, I knew it! She DOES look like Deidara!"

Miss Scaevola replied as she pulled a magnifying glass from her pocket, "Yeah, dunno who he or she is…But…"

Saro let go of Kiba. He fell to the ground, unconscious. Saro chimed in, "She reminds me of Barbie."

Crickets chirped. Faith knelt down and glared at the grass. "I'll find you, crickets. You can run, but you can never hide from pest control!"

Her two friends waited patiently until she finished her ranting against vermin. Then Faith stood and responded seriously, "Yeah, definitely like Barbie. A demonic undead version of Barbie."

Out of nowhere, Chouji shrieked as he pointed wildly at Ino, "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! ZOOOOOMBIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!"

Shikamaru mumbled and cursed incomprehensibly. Faith and Saro and Cyh simultaneously put their hands to their ears and said in elderly voices, "Whot, whot's tha', sonny boy?"

Suddenly, (how many more 'suddenlys' will there be in this chapter?!) Temari and Kankuro appeared, and the blond fan-wielding kunoichi asked, "Has anyone seen Gaara?"

No one replied, but they all tossed Faith pointed looks. She exclaimed, "MUTINY!" Then she said sweetly to Temari, "Nope, never heard of him."

Cyh laughed as she said, "Yeah right! How did the _exorcism _of Shukaku go, by the way?"

Faith replied glumly, "Oh, not so good. I think Mr. Skeleton might've killed Gaara, but that's just my opinion…" Her face lit up in horror. "HOLY PASTA, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME ADMIT, CYH!"

"INDISCREET CRIME NEVER PAYS, ESPECIALLY SLOPPY MURDERS!" was the answer.

Now, after all the freaky events, everyone was just a little sidetracked and didn't notice the Mist missing-nin. All this time, Haku had been sawing at his chains with his needles. At first, he was surprised at how easily the needles were cutting through. Then he realized that the chains were made of aluminum. How strange.

Finally, Chouji noticed. Why Chouji? Well, he ran out of chips and was looking around for something else that was edible and non-toxic. Then he exclaimed, "Oh, Haku! How ya doing? Do you know where Faith keeps any BBQ chips?"

Faith whirled around, shrieking, "My precious! Nooooooo! He's escaping!"

Temari and Kankuro found this all very fascinating, so they settled down on the forest's edge, ate some popcorn, and watched these events. Heck, the Sand Village could wait awhile. This was quality entertainment.

Haku stood to his feet and was about to run into the woods when a tall figure came lumbering out of the trees. Everyone froze in fear. Sadie came back from using the bathroom and screamed, "WEREWOLF!"

Really, it was just Asuma. Ino and Chouji cried, "Sensei, save Shikamaru!"

Asuma glanced down at the pathetically bound genin. Oh good crackers. This was embarrassing for the jounin. He sighed as he took his cigarette from his mouth, "Alright, girls, release him before I have to hurt you."

Saro and Faith simultaneously ripped out waffle irons from their pockets. They leapt and smacked Asuma over the head, rendering him unconscious!

Faith and Saro handed the irons back to Cyh, saying, "Thanks for letting us borrow these."

Cyh shrugged. "Anytime. But next time you want to knock someone out, let me do it, please?"

Faith pointed to Haku. "You can hit him to where he's as out cold as a frozen turkey in a deep freeze in a freak snowstorm in Florida –"

"Alright already!" Ino shouted, covering her ears. "That's more than enough similes!"

Faith shrugged. "Suit yourself." She then got into a Rock-Lee looking pose and exclaimed to Asuma, "That's what you get when you smoke in Faith's forest, yo! Feel Smokie the Bear's wrath, FEEL IT."

Cyh sprung forward and whacked Haku over the head. He, too, was knocked out, to prevent his escape.

Then, Faith saw the needles. "NEEDLES!" she screamed in horror. She grabbed her bag (that was in the shack), motioned for Sadie to stand beside her, and said to everyone, "Okay, y'all, it's time to vacate the premises. You have exactly three minutes to evacuate the area before it all goes _boom. _Kapeesh?"

They all nodded hurriedly, took the unconscious ones, and fled at least two miles away. (Using their super ninja speed. XD)

Faith, satisfied at the empty clearing, said to Sadie, "Okay, next stop: Unknown! 'Cause if that inappropriately clothed Tsunade is sending peeps after us, I think it's time to move on." Faith teared up, and took out a hanky and waved it at the Mist Village's forest as she sobbed, "I'll never forget you, you land of crickets!"

Then she and Sadie ran into the trees, tossing dynamite over their shoulders as Faith cackled, "Sayonara, needles!"

Sadie asked as they ran away from the fiery inferno behind them, "What did you mean by 'that inappropriately clothed Tsunade', ma'am?"

Faith snorted. "Have you ever seen Tsunade's shirt? Or should I say lack thereof?" She shuddered. "It's too revealing for my modest tastes."

Sadie nodded in understanding. "But, ma'am, did you really kill Gaara?"

Faith thought a moment. "Dunno," she answered simply.

The receptionist's eyes widened. "If you did…Then that makes me an accomplice!"

Faith laughed nervously as Sadie had a heart attack.

**XxXxXxXxX**

**A/N – **Okay, what'd you guys think?! Many thanks for Cyh and Saro being such good sports about this. And many apologies for this being so late! I had a science project that involved me making an okapi…Don't ask. But also, this is the last filler chapter before things really get…well, I wouldn't say 'serious', but the plot becomes more evident and the crazy randomness tones down a bit. And also many, many thanks to those who read and review this! Peace!


	13. Session 13 The Akatsuki Part 1

A/N – Er . . .

I've never really seen the Akatsuki in the manga or anime, just what I've read on fanfiction and online character profiles. But, already I love them all. And, might I add that all of them are probably OOC. But isn't everyone in this fanfic? Still, if I get something wrong, feel free to correct me.

If I say that I love you all and that I'll give you meter-long brownies for your patience, will you not kill me out of just reader-wrath? XD Seriously, I feel ASHAMED. I said I would get this out on either Friday or Saturday.

What day is it? FRIDAY OF THE NEXT WEEK.

TT I'm so sorry!

**Session 13 – The Akatsuki Part One**

It was a dark night. Dark and spooky. There was a full moon, and the elderly man that slunk through the bushes just knew it was a prime, ripe season for lycanthropes.

Cautiously, he waved his model-sized Tyrannosaurus Rex skull around and murmured, "Aiyai aiyai yaiyai, aiyai yaiyai yai . . ." He crept among the undergrowth, bloodshot eyes darting here and there.

A twig snapped. The Indian exorcist twitched and whirled around. There, in the bushes behind him, was a brown and blond haired girl. Wait, two girls. Staring wide-eyed at him. In a bush. At midnight.

"Whoa," the brown haired girl whispered, "Mr. Skeleton, what are you doing out here in front of the Akatsuki lair?"

"I don't know what this 'Ah-kat-skee' is, but I be just taking a stroll," he growled in reply, his eyes madly twitching. "What are you doing out of your office, Faith?"

"Yeah, well, offices are really not as cool as they once were, so – besides, a demonic toilet decided to take up residence in my bathroom, so it only made sense that I blow the crap outta it –"

Mr. Skeleton perked an eyebrow. "You blew up your office again?"

"Maybe." Faith's eyes widened. "Wait . . . I blew up the building and Bob was still inside!"

They all bowed their heads as Mr. Skeleton murmured, "May that wonderful henchman rest in peace."

"Amen," Faith added, then perked up and said to the exorcist, "SO, workin' for the Leader-Boss-Man of the Akatsuki, eh?"

Mr. Skeleton fiddled with his sombrero hat nervously. "Well, I am hoping that I find work, but –"

Sadie piped up uncertainly, "But ma'am, what about this world's time sequence? You know, the one we screwed up? Shouldn't fixing things and setting them right be our top priority?"

Faith waved off her worries and answered dismissively as she peered at the cave-hideout, "We'll . . . definitely get around to it . . . First, I so have to theraperize Itachi Uchiha. His shattered sanity is just crying out for a psychologist, man." She turned to Mr. Skeleton. "Wanna come with us, Mr. Skeleton? We're bound to run into the Leader. And once we do, you can ask him if there's a job opening."

Sadie sighed. "But ma'am . . ."

"No buts! To the Akatsuki!" Faith shouted as she pointed towards the hideout. She marched, cackling, while Sadie and Mr. Skeleton trailed behind.

XxXxXxXxXxX

They didn't get very far before this guy with a giant Venus flytrap on his head jumped out of nowhere. One side of his face was white, the other black.

His white half said, "What are you doing here?"

His black half said, "I think I'll eat you."

Faith gave a low whistle and murmured, "DUDE . . . What plastic surgeon did you go to? And where can I find him?"

The plant guy stared long and hard at the three people. Finally, the black half said, "I think the brunette girl would give us indigestion."

"Or make us deathly sick," the white half added.

"I think you're almost as crazy as me, bucko," Faith frowned, insulted that they thought that she would cause digestive problems. "Almost."

The plant guy said, "There is always the blond girl."

Sadie squeaked and hid behind Faith, who asked, "Why not Mr. Skeleton? Why does it always have to be the young maidens?"

The plant guy took one look at the exorcist and gave a slight shudder. He muttered as he turned and walked off, "Perhaps there is better prey over there . . ."

Faith smirked at Mr. Skeleton. "Dude. I think that was a burn."

Mr. Skeleton scowled as he hobbled onwards. "SO what if this old exorcist isn't that delectable? That be a good thing!"

"If you say so."

XxXxXxXxXxX

Faith ran her hands up and down the stone. "A secret trigger," she muttered to herself, "a hidden door, something . . ."

Beside her, Sadie knocked lightly on the stone. "This part doesn't sound hollow either."

"Keep looking. I must get to Itachi."

Sadie sighed. "I think you're becoming a fangirl of him, ma'am." She looked over at her boss.

She did a double take.

"M-ma'am?!"

"Mmrgh?"

"Th-there's something looming over your shoulder."

Faith glanced behind her, only to scream in horror. _Absolute horror._

"Oh my pasta, it's a possessed puppet!"

XxXxXxXxXxX

A/N – This one . . . wasn't that funny . . . --" But it's just an intro to the new small arc that I call "The Akatsuki!" XD Like I said, correct me if I'm wrong on anything. Oh, and I'll be updating real soon. Like tomorrow. Just wanted to space it a bit. Sorry for the lateness on this one, though! No, really! Sincere apologies! (Grovels pathetically for forgiveness)


	14. Session 14 Sasori

A/N: I LIIIIIIIIVE!!!

No, seriously. I'm alive.

Due to huge/long vacations (details will be posted on profile shortly) and visiting family and what-not, I've been gone for a crazy amount of time. BUT NO FEAR! I'm back, with plastic-ladles, air-fresheners, and pasta - lots of pasta!

THE STANDARD DISCLAIMER APPLIES. Honestly, though, I own absolutely nothing of Naruto. You know which ones are my OCs. Yeah. XD

Quotes of the Day: _"How dare you, potato!"_ – Hijikata, _Peacemaker Kurogane_ Episode 15 (it was a fan-sub though. The real subs on the DVD say something like, "By a mere potato" or something like that. What am I talking about? Watch to find out! LOL)

"_B-be sure you make it back in one piece."_

"_Got it. Even if they kill me, I __**will**__ make it back in one piece!" _– Yotsuba&! - Volume 3

**The Long Awaited Session 14 **

"Oh my pasta, it's a possessed puppet!"

Sadie shrieked, "OH MY GOODNESS, IT'S SASO –"

Faith interrupted loudly, "NO, NO DON'T SPOIL IT! LEMME GUESS!" She scrutinized the red-head that stood behind the puppet. "You're . . . Kankuro disguised as Gaara!"

The red-head blinked. "No . . ."

"You're . . . Um . . . OH FINE, go ahead and tell me!"

Sadie whispered as she tried in vain to camouflage with the surrounding bushes, "It's Sasori of the Red Sand."

. . . Silence . . .

Faith, for once, was at a complete loss for words. "But . . . But . . . Isn't that the guy who uses corpses for puppets . . .?"

. . . SILENCE . . .

"THAT SILENCE ISN'T VERY REASSURING!!!"

Sasori said quietly, "Don't worry; you're too ugly to be one of MY puppets."

With that, he sent the puppet forward. It latched onto Faith's arm.

Faith screamed bloody murder as she hopped around in circles, "OMGTHERE'SADEADPERSON-TURNEDPUPPETONMYARM!!!" But suddenly, she halted, whirled, and karate-chopped it. It let go.

Materializing a can of Lysol and Oust, Faith sprayed herself down thoroughly while Sasori just . . . well, stared in a kind of mixed amusement/irritation. What an ignorant girl, not appreciating his art like that!

Faith sighed as she chunked the now empty cans into the forest, "Thank goodness for Pine Fresh! It never fails me!"

Sasori had had just about enough. Insane people didn't bode well with him (probably because he's the BAD kind of insane, the kind that turns themselves into puppets of their own free will), so he decided to hurry and end it. He sent the puppet forward once more . . .

. . . When suddenly, something HUGE stepped on it and crushed it!

Faith squawked like a chicken – correction, _several _chickens that were being tortured by coyotes. "OH MY HOLY ALFREDO PASTA!!!"

The giant beast that crushed Sasori's puppet was none other than . . .

. . . _CLARENCE!!!!!_

"GASP! Clarence, darling, you've returned to me!" Tears welled in Faith's eyes as Clarence gave an earth-shattering roar. Sadie had long since fainted. Even Sasori's eyes widened.

Faith turned to the deeply startled puppet-master and explained conversationally, "Clarence is a giant mutant squirrel from Saudi Arabia. But man, he's gotten big! He's at least the size of that hill over there." She pointed at said hill-in-the-distance proudly.

Sasori said slowly as he stared up at the beast, "He must be eating his vegetables."

**XxXxXxXxX – In Konoha**

Team 10 stood before the Hokage. Tsunade growled, "What happened?"

Shikamaru trembled slightly, his eyes wide and alert. Even at the slightest sound he'd jump; he was like some jittery rabbit.

Tsunade assessed the other two Genin. One was quietly sobbing in joy, cramming BBQ chips as fast as he could into his mouth. Occasionally he cried around his mouthful, "My precious, I've found you again . . ."

The blond girl had her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She muttered over and over to herself, "I don't look like Deidara, I don't look like Deidara, I don't look like Deidara, I don't –"

Asuma was still pressing an ice-pack to the giant lumps on his head.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair, groaning. She could feel a bad migraine coming on, and it wasn't from her sake . . .

**XxXxXxXxXxX – Back with Faith and CO.**

Clarence lumbered off, the earth vibrating slightly with each step.

Let's just say that Faith didn't miss her chance. Sasori was still kinda in a daze, staring blankly at his stepped-on puppet. Faith quickly produced (magically) a lead-enforced rope. She lunged at the unsuspecting red-head and quickly tied him to a conveniently nearby tree.

The good doctor cackled in joy. "w00t!" she cried, punching the air with a fist. "One Akatsuki member down!"

Sasori glared at the girl, hissing, "Release me at once."

". . . Mmmm . . . NOPE."

"NOW."

"Not gonna happen, bucko."

". . ." His glare intensified by several levels.

Faith smiled sweetly, ignoring his anger by saying, "Don't lick or bite the rope or anything. You might get lead poisoning."

Sasori gave a distasteful glance to his bindings, as if thinking, _Eww, I bet it's, like, covered in germs! Why would I put that in my mouth, especially when she totally touched it?! _(Sasori-danna, please don't kill me)

Faith continued, "Anyhoo . . . What's your problem? Any psychological trauma that I can mend, per chance?"

"I turned myself into a puppet."

Her eyes were huge. "No kidding!" She cautiously stepped towards him, and tapped his chest lightly. "AAAHH, it even SOUNDS kinda hollow! Freaky-eaky, man."

Sasori struggled against his bindings, trying to grasp a kunai. Faith sighed, "That won't do . . ."

Thus she produced a waffle iron and clonked him over the head with it. But then she had to pause and wonder how the pasta _that _would do anything? Isn't he wood?

She just shrugged it off as she threw the waffle iron over her shoulder. "Sadie! We're moving out! Itachi Uchiha is waiting for me!" She giggled.

Sadie moaned, slowly rising to her feet. The surrounding evergreens looked like a pale green compared to her face. Faith commented, "You look like you're about to toss your cookies. Maybe you should wait here and guard Sasori for me."

"Okay . . . BLEEERRRGGGHH!!!"

"AAAAHHH, GROSSNESS!! GERMS, ACK!" Faith fled from the scene, screaming more unintelligible things about bacteria and nastiness and et cetera.

**XxXxXxXxX – In Tsunade's Office – After Team 10 Departed**

"What are you going to do now, Tsunade-sama?" Shizune stroked the pet pig as she sat on the couch.

Tsunade rubbed her nose contemplatively. "There's only one thing we can do . . ." she whispered. "Bring Gai's Team to me."

Shizune's eyes widened by several centimeters. "No way."

"Yes way. Fight fire with fire, right?"

**XxXxXxXxXxX **

A/N: Dun-dun-duuuuuuun!! Clarence weirds Sadie out to where she's sick! Mr. Skeleton magically disappeared from the narrative for a while! Sasori is a little lethargic, isn't he? Tsunade's planning on sending Team Gai out to confront our therapist and crew! And Faith's search for Itachi the Weasel continues. Wow. So action-packed! Thanks to everyone for reading! Much love and many brownies to you all!


	15. Session 15 The Akatsuki Part 2

A/N: I'm slightly late on this . . . (cough, "slightly," cough, cough). Ahem, anyway, school's started again, and I have several reports I need to work on. I'm just updating now 'cause I HAVE to get this idea out, and I love taking breaks from work. So yeah.

(INSERT STANDARD DISCLAIMER IN A FLASH OF YOUTHFUL SPARKLES!)

**Session 15 – The Akatsuki Part Two**

Faith, fleeing blindly from the immediate area of her ill receptionist, had no idea that Mr. Skeleton was coming along the same path. That is, she had no idea until they suffered a head-on collision.

"Watch where ye be goin'!" Mr. Skeleton snapped, waving his staff threateningly.

Faith rubbed her poor injured skull as she snarled back, "It's hard to do that in the dead of night!"

"Don't yeh back-sass yer elders, YOUNG ONE."

"MEH." She stood up, her eyes wide and bright. "Anyway, have you found an entrance yet?"

Mr. Skeleton had to admit that her eyes were glowing pretty creepily. How were they even _doing _that? Well, whatever. Faith was always defying all logic.

He grumbled, clearing his throat, "I might've . . ."

Faith shoved past him as she tore down the path. "ITACHI!" she screamed so loudly that the exorcist was sure that the dead were turning in their graves. "ITAAAACHIIIII!!!"

Soon, she was out of sight. Mr. Skeleton scratched his head and continued on his way.

**XxXxXxXxX**

"AH, HOW THE MOON IS SHINING YOUTHFULLY TONIGHT!"

"YES, GAI-SENSEI, ITS LIGHT IS MOST POWERFUL IN ITS YOUTHFUL RADIATION!"

Tenten felt like the only sane person there. She stared at Lee. "The moon doesn't have radiation, Lee." Gods, how she couldn't WAIT until Neji joined them . . . Why was he so late anyway?

Lee half-closed one eye, and widened the other. "_Does_ it, Tenten . . .?" He said in a mystical tone.

A shudder rippled through the kunoichi. She turned around to face their village and shouted, "NEJI? NEJI, ARE YOU THERE??"

Gai wagged a finger and declared, immediately shifting into Good Guy-Gai Pose #14, "Now, now, youthful flower of our team! Yelling as such would only wake the youthful children of our splendid village!"

Tenten only _thought_ that "troublesome" was the most annoying and overused adjective out there. Oh boy howdy. She stood corrected.

"PLEASE," she ground out, leaning against one of the gates to the village, "PLEASE stop saying THAT!"

Gai scanned the forests, a slight confused look on his face. "Stop saying what, oh youthful flower –"

"THAT!" She pointed wildly at him. "THAT!!!"

"Tenten, stop fooling around." Tenten turned at the voice. There stood the Hyuuga. In great frustration, she moaned in her mind, _Why are you never here when I need you, Neji? Sometimes I think you ABANDON me . . ._

Neji stared hard at Gai, whose teeth sparkled as he smiled a huge smile. "Well," Gai declared, pointing in a west-ish direction, "we must DISEMBARK!"

"AARDVARK, DISEMBARK!" (Note- There was this little picture book of Noah's Arc, and they had the same thing. "Disembark!" Sorry, had to include it. Couldn't resist the YOUTHFUL temptation . . .)

"EXACTLY, LEE! GODS, YOU'RE SUCH A BRIGHT KID!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"We're leaving without you!" Oh how Tenten wished she really could do so.

**XxXxXxXxX**

Faith tracked Itachi by searching for his scent. Like a bloodhound on a hunt, she raced through the undergrowth, following only her nose. Her fangirl instincts told her which direction to take, and she obeyed those almighty instincts with reverence. There were few things that Faith revered in the world; God, fangirl instincts, and the Belgians.

MAN, we love those Belgians. What!? _Belgian _chocolate? Hello.

Anyway, Faith froze in her tracks. Her mighty nose sniffed . . . sniffed . . .

Explosives?

Oh-kaaaaaaay. Well then.

WHOA, Nellie! Which Akatsuki member dealt with explosives?

Faith ran off screaming back the way she had come.

"O-M-P! DEIDARA!!!"

**XxXxXxXxX**

It was an awkward silence, Sadie couldn't deny that. Sasori glared into her very soul. She fidgeted, still feeling slightly queasy.

The silence was heavy. Not even a cricket dared to make a noise.

In an attempt to break this stifling silence, Sadie jumped to her feet and pointed in a wild direction, cackling, "OH WOW, LOOK AT THOSE DUCKS! DR. FAITH SURE LOVES DUCKS! I BETTER GO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THEM FOR HER."

She ran off, leaving a bound Sasori alone.

Sasori sighed almost inaudibly. When would that psychopath doctor come back?

He hated waiting.

WELL, lucky for him, he didn't have to wait long at all!

"Sasori-danna . . .? Why are you tied to a tree, un?"

Sasori twitched. _Oh no. I'm never going to live this down now . . . ._

"Oh, I bet I know, un! LOL, you're being burned at the stake, aren't you danna?"

Sasori glared. "Do something for me, would you Deidara?"

Deidara blanched. "You want me to give you my _soul?!_"

"NO! WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK THAT?!?! WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO IS _SHUT UP _AND _GET ME DOWN_!!"

**XxXxXxXxX**

Mr. Skeleton giggled in absolute glee. Happily, he attached the Akatsuki's bell to his sombrero hat. He bounced up and down experimentally, just to hear it jingle.

Turns out, Leader Pein said WHY NOT to an exorcist joining the Akatsuki. Seems very OOC of him, right?

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Aha.

Mr. Skeleton stalked the halls of the Akatsuki lair. He couldn't believe he was actually inside. Amazing. He found his room and slipped inside.

Now, when would he start exorcising the Bijuu from the Jinchuuriki?

**XxXxXxXxX**

A/N – I promise I'll get the other one out this weekend. I promise! Next up is Deidara. I have tons of stuff planned for him. I am really sorry that this is late. I had a history report assigned to me on the first day of school, followed by tons of other stuff. So . . . this sucks. Ah, and I'm not even half way through that report! GAH! (Brain melts) Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who's still reading this, even though I'm very late and inconsistent in my updates. Yeah, this one isn't that funny. Hopefully the next one will compensate, though? (Nervous laugh)


	16. Session 16 Deidara Part One

**A/N –** (is stoned to death out of Righteous Reader Wrath)

The epitaph to Faith's tombstone?

"Here lies the single WORST fanfic author EVER to grace this GREEN EARTH. And she wondered why she sucked and hardly anyone read her crap?!? AHA!"

(Pops up out of grave) Speaking of which, thank you Cyh Scaevola and Ishasuki Mitochi for reviewing, despite my horrid laziness. Yes, I greatly love you both. AND, to all you who don't review but just read this, I'd like to thank you too. I'd also like to apologize for being AT LEAST a week and a half late.

Heads up, Cyh: Shameless Lydia plug-in approaches. For all those who don't know, read _The Irony Gods_, in the Saiyuki section. Like my stuff? You'll want to marry Cyh's works. XD And yes, this is your quote from me today.

I feel like I should warn you: I wrote this when I was reeeeeaaaallllyyyy tired, so it MIGHT be a _little_ **bizarre** . . . .

Disclaimers are a BANG! I don't own any frozen food companies, especially the one with a giant green dude as their mascot.

**Session 16 – Deidara Part One**

"DEIDARA, DEIDARA, DEIDARA, DEIDARA, DEIDARA –" Faith's tirade of shouting continued on and on. The only pause in her mantra was when she took an occasional breath.

She was so wrapped up in sniffing him out that she didn't notice the horrendous arrival of a horrendous individual who was just ten or so feet away from her.

When she finally did notice it, though, she was shocked and horrified. How could anyone _miss _it?!

She stared up at the it before her. It was dressed in tight green spandex with a darker green vest. It loomed over her with a malicious smile that sparkled in the moonlight.

The very sight of it made the great and almighty doctor want to pee her pants and run to Europe. It made her want to go on an off-road expedition in the Rockies with Lydia behind the wheel, it was that bad! (Sorry, Lyds – we know you've got rocking driving skills, it's just . . . think of the passengers! XD)

She blanched. "I-I thought . . ." He was too green . . . could it be _him . . ._?

Its grin broadened. "Yes, oh youthful young one? Are you lost?"

"I-I-I . . . I thought I killed you a long time ago."

Its brow furrowed. "What?"

Panic rose in Faith. "DANGIT!" she shrieked. The wildlife stirred at the ear-splitting, obnoxious volume. "I thought I killed you, Green Giant vegetable guy!"

It stared blankly as she ripped a stick of dynamite from her pocket. She screeched once more in an obnoxiously loud tone, "AND NO, CARRYING EXPLOSIVES ON PERSON IS SO NOT ILLEGAL!"

It backed away in terror. "H-huh?!"

(Insert horrible sound effect here – KABLOOM! BAM! BANG! Pick whichever one you like best!)

A joyful, fiery inferno rose to the heavens! WHEE!

Bambi and the other wild furry critters didn't know what hit them.

**XxXxXxXxXxX**

Neji and Tenten jumped from tree branch to tree branch with their nifty ninja hop abilities. They felt horrified; they had lost all sight of Lee and Gai-sensei. To lose the _both _of them would be like unleashing Barney AND Godzilla upon a civilized nation.

Needless to say they were eager to relocate them.

Tenten asked as her eyes flicked to and fro, "Neji, can you see anything with your Byakugan (A/N – I probably spelt that wrong but I'm too tired to look it up. SORRY)?"

Neji shook his head. "I don't see that crazy therapist and her comrades either."

Tenten sighed. She opened her mouth to say something but before she could even get a syllable out something feathery and spazzy slammed into her face. Tenten squealed in a high-pitch voice and fell off the tree branch. She WHOMPED onto the hard forest floor.

The thing that smacked into her face flew up into the air in a seizure-like dance. It made deep throaty gurgling sounds that could've past as mutated bird calls as it disappeared into the woods.

Neji jumped down beside her and helped her up. Tenten gawked stupidly at the place where the weird bird thing had disappeared. "Was that a . . . was that a . . ." she repeated in a quavering voice.

Neji shushed her and began to pull her away. His eyes shiftily shifted about as he replied, "Never mind Tenten; we saw NOTHING here."

**XxXxXxXxXxX**

As Faith crawled out of yet another scorched crater in a forest, she spied a twitchy black speck flying towards her from the woods. Grinning, she scrambled to her feet and merrily skipped over the burned remains of that part of the forest, shouting, "Habakkuk Maryland Richardson the Fourth! You've returned to me!"

The half-bird, half-reptilian looking creature landed clumsily on Faith's outstretched arm. Faith cooed to Habakkuk Maryland Richardson the Fourth, "You're such a good Archaeopteryx, Habi . . . Now, tell me who these new people are . . . ."

**XxXxXxXxXxX**

Deidara and Sasori walked briskly down the Akatsuki's halls, heading towards The Leader's office.

Sasori muttered to himself, overall creeping Deidara out, "I'll kill those wretches, those stupid girls who DARED to tie me up a tree . . ."

Deidara gave a cocky grin. "Ah, I bet they were just overexcited fangirls, Sasori-danna. No need to go CRAZY on us again and suck _another_ maiden's soul."

"If you keep it up you're next on my list."

"And what list would that be? Your SOUL-SUCKING one?"

Right when Sasori was going to strangle the blond, a figure draped in the Akatsuki cloak shuffled past them. Sasori blinked in surprise. Temporarily forgetting his rage against Deidara he asked him, "Who was that?"

Deidara answered in equal confusion, "Dunno, danna. (Try saying **that** three times fast! It sounds like you're saying "dododanna" XD Right, sorry, no more interruptions.)"

"I didn't know Leader hired the elderly."

"Hmm? Hired? Oh, I thought that maybe he was Kisame's grandfather. What?" He laughed at the look his danna was giving him. "Can't you see the family resemblance?"

"You're cruel," Sasori chuckled darkly as they continued down the hallway.

"And YOU'RE sadistic."

"Keep it up, and I'll –"

"Someone help me, HE'S GOING TO SUCK MY SOUL!"

**XxXxXxXxXxX**

Lee sniffled as his huge saucer-like eyes roved across the suddenly dark, foreboding forest closing in around him. The sky clouded over (wait, isn't it night –? INCONSISTENCY!). The world was suddenly cold and lonely.

Because poor Rock Lee was aaaaalllll alone in a creepy dismal woods.

Somewhere off to his right, he heard a mad cackle and an explosion.

Lee wailed, "G-Gai-sensei?!"

**XxXxXxXxXxX**

**A/N** – Lol, I think I so totally killed the "soul-sucking" joke by now. I WAY overused it. XD

Sorry for being late. Sorry for the super-duper long author note up there. Sorry for not actually progressing the story any (i.e. Faith finally giving Deidara therapy). Crackers, man, I have LOTS of things to grovel for forgiveness for . . . .

_I swear I'll update soon._ (Readers – "Sure.") I swear! (Readers – "Right.") SERIOUSLY! (Readers – "Mm-hmm, and we SERIOUSLY believe you.")

Geez. I WILL GET THE NEXT ONE OUT SOON! GRAAAAAAHH!


End file.
